Horoscopes are bollocks.

We all know it.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you sneak a glance. I was reading my Metro news today, starting as usual with the Nemi cartoon and happened to spot my horoscope. WOE!! alack and alas!!! this weekend promises Aquarians “a tricky moment to negotiate in relationships”.

Panicked, I checked Beloved Sophie’s horoscope to find Pisceans are also due for relationship issues this weekend. Gadzooks!!

Just as I was looking up the number for the Samaritans, I spotted that Cancerians are headed for a “relationship shake-down”, Scorpios are warned not to trigger off relationships that are in a “volatile state”, Capricorns need to take care of someone’s feelings and Ariens have to “get serious where love is concerned”.

So either half the population of the globe is going into a relationship disaster zone or, as I said above, horoscopes are bollocks.